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Trigger Warning : Loss & Grief
t's not always easy to recognise when bereavement, grief or loss are the reason you're acting or feeling differently and I especially didn't think that almost 10 years after the loss of my brother, that it would be the reason my mental health had taken a decline.
I was only 8 years old when my brother was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumour, we were so close and I couldn't understand why my parents would make me go and stay with family whilst they were at hospital with him. I know now, it was to protect me from seeing things that would have affected me but at the time i resented them for it, i felt lost and unwanted. A few years later, the tumour returned but this time he couldn't fight it, he died peacefully with family surrounding him, including me.
I watched the person I loved the most in the world, my sidekick, take his last breathes, no one prepares you for that in life. For a long time, many years, I believe because I wasn't mentally mature, I did not process the trauma but at 21 i was becoming withdrawn, lashing out and having feelings of resentment towards people who had siblings in their life.
I knew something wasn't right but it took me months to admit it, I didn't want to talk about it to anyone because I felt guilty for feeling how I did, my parents had lost there son and my brother had battled so hard yet here i am crying about how I feel and it just did not feel right but I eventually knew i needed to seek help thanks to my family and friends being patient with me, loving me and encouraging me to open up. I'm 26 now and can talk 100% more openly about my feelings and speak about positive memories I have of my brother, society has progressed so much on the stigma of mental health and i think i would have found it a lot easier to open up back then if things were how they were now.
I'm telling my story because people die every single day and it feels like your life stands still when its you who experiences the loss, if you feel like your not coping believe me when I say just talking really does do the world of good , always know there's someone out there who can relate to you and your story in some way.
It's important to talk, to love & to be kind to yourself and recognise when something doesn’t feel right and to know there’s nothing wrong with admitting this.
For anyone who is reading this who has experienced loss, it does get easier. You never get over it and that person will forever remain a part of your life but you can and will get through it.
If you want to learn more or have been affected by anything in this blog, there are some amazing charities below who specialise in helping people with grief: